denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. you've probably heard of the five stages of grief. maybe you've wondered which one you're in, or worried that you've skipped one, or gone backwards. you're not doing it wrong. the stages were never meant to be a map for everyone.
where the five stages came from
the five stages come from psychiatrist elisabeth kübler-ross's 1969 book on death and dying. she wrote it after talking with people who were seriously ill and facing their own deaths, not with people grieving someone else. her work helped change how we talk about dying, and that matters.
over time, the stages were applied to bereavement and often understood as steps you go through in order. kübler-ross herself later said they were never meant to be a neat sequence.
what we know instead
grief tends to be more like weather than a staircase. many different feelings can be there in the same day, even the same hour: sadness, relief, anger, numbness, love, guilt, even moments of peace.
many people are more resilient than they expect. researchers such as george bonanno have found that a large proportion of bereaved people go on functioning day to day while still feeling the loss deeply. that isn't a sign of not caring. it's one of the ways people grieve.
grief is not a staircase you climb. it is weather you learn to live in.
why the stages became so popular
the five stages offered something that grief often doesn't: a sense of order. if grief has stages, then it has a shape, and if it has a shape, then perhaps there's an end. for people in pain, and for those trying to support them, that can be very comforting.
the stages are also easy to remember, and they name real feelings. many grieving people do feel shock, anger, guilt and sadness, and some do find a kind of acceptance. the problem isn't that these feelings don't exist. it's the idea that you have to feel all of them, in order, and that you're doing something wrong if you don't.
researchers who study grief now tend to talk less about stages and more about adapting: slowly learning to live in a world where the person is gone, while finding ways to keep what they meant to you. that process looks different for everyone.
what affects how long grief stays intense
there are many reasons grief can feel heavier or last longer. the relationship matters: losing a partner, a child or someone you cared for every day often brings a very deep grief. the way someone died matters too. sudden, violent or traumatic deaths, and deaths by suicide, can make grief more complicated.
other things can make a difference as well: other losses or stresses happening at the same time, money worries, health problems, or not having people around who understand. grief can also be harder when the relationship itself was complicated, or when others don't recognise your loss, such as after a miscarriage or the death of an ex-partner.
none of this means you should expect your grief to last a certain length of time. it simply means there are many good reasons why grief can be harder for some people than others, and why comparing your grief to anyone else's rarely helps.
when grief stays heavy
for some people, grief stays intense for a long time and makes it very hard to function: constant yearning, feeling that life has no meaning, being unable to accept the death. this has been recognised as prolonged grief disorder. it's not about grieving 'too long', but about grief that is stuck in a way that hurts.
if this sounds like you, support from a gp, a bereavement counsellor or a specialist service can help. needing it is nothing to be ashamed of.
what helps instead of a timeline
if grief doesn't follow stages or a schedule, it can be hard to know whether you're 'doing okay'. instead of asking how far along you are, it may help to ask different questions. am i able to look after myself, at least a little? are there moments, even brief ones, when the pain eases? do i have someone i can talk to?
it can also help to notice change over long stretches of time, not day to day. grief can feel the same from one week to the next, but looking back over six months or a year, many people find that something has shifted: the waves are a little further apart, or they can talk about the person without falling apart every time.
some people find that grief changes rather than ends. the love and the missing stay, but they become something they can carry alongside the rest of their life. psychologists sometimes describe this as the loss becoming integrated: still part of you, but no longer taking up all the room.
if you're worried about how you're coping, there's no need to wait for a particular point in time before asking for help. support can be useful at any stage, and it doesn't mean you're grieving wrongly.
common questions
sources
- 1kübler-ross, e. (1969). on death and dying. macmillan.
- 2maciejewski, p. k., zhang, b., block, s. d., & prigerson, h. g. (2007). an empirical examination of the stage theory of grief. jama, 297(7), 716–723.
- 3stroebe, m., schut, h., & boerner, k. (2017). cautioning health-care professionals: bereaved persons are misguided through the stages of grief. omega: journal of death and dying, 74(4), 455–473.
- 4bonanno, g. a. (2009). the other side of sadness. basic books.
if you're struggling to cope, you don't have to wait. findahelpline.com lists free, confidential support near you. this article is for understanding, not diagnosis or treatment.
