you still talk to her in the car. you wear his jumper. you kept the voicemail. maybe someone has told you that at some point you'll need to 'let go'. for a long time that was the common advice. but many grieving people, and many researchers, have come to see it differently.
where did the idea of 'letting go' come from?
for much of the twentieth century, a common view in western psychology was that grieving meant gradually withdrawing your emotional energy from the person who died so you could invest it elsewhere. holding on was seen as a problem.
but when researchers listened to bereaved people, they found that many kept some kind of connection, and that this was often a source of comfort rather than a sign that something was wrong.
what continuing bonds can look like
there are as many ways as there are relationships. talking to them out loud or in your head. writing them letters. visiting a place that was theirs. cooking their recipe. asking 'what would they say?' when you're stuck. keeping a photo by the bed. telling their stories to people who never met them.
for many people, these bonds change over time. at first they may be about longing and holding on. later they often become quieter: less about where they've gone, more about how they're still part of who you are.
you don't have to let them go. you are learning how to carry them.
bonds across cultures
in many cultures, keeping a relationship with people who have died is not unusual at all. it is simply part of life. families keep altars or shrines at home with photos, food and flowers. people visit graves regularly to talk, tidy and leave gifts. festivals like día de los muertos in mexico, obon in japan, and qingming in china set aside time each year to remember and welcome back the dead.
these traditions suggest that the western idea of 'moving on' by cutting ties is just one way of thinking about grief, and a fairly recent one. for much of human history, and across much of the world today, the dead remain part of the family story.
if your own family or faith has traditions like these, they may offer a ready-made way to stay connected. if not, you can create your own: a yearly meal, a walk on their birthday, a place in the house that is theirs.
how bonds change over time
in the early days, connection can feel desperate: wanting to hear their voice, sleeping in their clothes, checking their phone. these are all very common, and very human. over time, for many people, the bond becomes less about trying to keep hold of them and more about carrying them with you.
some people notice that they start to take on the person's values or habits: becoming more generous because they were, cooking their recipes, telling their jokes. others find that the person lives on through the stories they tell, or through the things they do in their name.
researchers have found that what matters most is not whether you keep a bond, but how it feels. bonds that bring comfort, meaning and a sense of being accompanied tend to help. bonds that feel like you can't go on without them, or that keep you from living your own life, may be a sign that more support would help.
when connection hurts more than it helps
continuing bonds aren't right or comforting for everyone, and that's fine too. for some people, holding on tightly can keep the pain sharp, especially if it comes with a feeling that the death can't be real.
a useful question is: does this connection help me live my life, or does it keep me from it? there is no single right answer, and it can change over time.
small ways to keep a bond
there's no right way to stay connected, and no need to do anything at all if it doesn't feel right. but if you're looking for ideas, many people find comfort in small rituals: lighting a candle on certain days, wearing something of theirs, keeping a photo where you'll see it each morning.
writing can be a powerful way to keep a bond. some people write letters to the person who died, telling them about their day, asking them questions, or saying the things they never had a chance to say. others keep a journal of memories, so the small details don't slip away.
doing things they loved, or things they would have wanted, can also be a way of keeping them close: walking their favourite route, supporting a cause they cared about, cooking their recipes for people they loved. some families mark birthdays or anniversaries with a shared meal and stories.
and simply talking about them matters. saying their name, telling stories, laughing at the things they did. many grieving people say one of the hardest things is when others stop mentioning the person. keeping them in conversation is one of the simplest ways to keep them in your life.
common questions
sources
- 1klass, d., silverman, p. r., & nickman, s. l. (eds.). (1996). continuing bonds: new understandings of grief. taylor & francis.
- 2root, b. l., & exline, j. j. (2014). the role of continuing bonds in coping with grief: overview and future directions. death studies, 38(1), 1–8.
- 3stroebe, m., & schut, h. (2005). to continue or relinquish bonds: a review of consequences for the bereaved. death studies, 29(6), 477–494.
if you're struggling to cope, you don't have to wait. findahelpline.com lists free, confidential support near you. this article is for understanding, not diagnosis or treatment.
