you got through the funeral. you got through the first christmas, somehow. then one wednesday in march you find their handwriting on an old shopping list and you're on the kitchen floor. grief doesn't only arrive on the days you expect. sometimes the ordinary days are the hardest of all.
anniversary reactions
many people notice grief returning strongly around certain dates: the anniversary of the death, their birthday, your wedding anniversary, mother's or father's day, the holidays. it's common to feel it building in the days or weeks before, even if you haven't been counting.
clinicians have described these 'anniversary reactions' for decades. the body and mind seem to remember the season of a loss, sometimes before we consciously do.
why the unexpected moments hurt so much
with a known date, you can brace yourself. with a song in a shop, a smell on a stranger, or their name in an email, there's no time. the reminder bypasses all your preparation and brings the loss right into the present.
these moments can feel like being knocked back to the beginning. you're not. it's a wave, and it will pass, often faster than it feels like it will.
the hardest days aren't always the ones on the calendar.
the first year of firsts
many people find the first year after a death especially hard because it's full of 'firsts': the first birthday without them, the first christmas or eid or diwali, the first summer holiday, the first time you go back to a place you went together. each one can bring the loss sharply into focus.
it's very common to dread these days in advance. sometimes the dread is worse than the day itself. sometimes the day is harder than you expected. and sometimes it's the day after, when everyone else has moved on, that hurts the most.
the second year can be hard too, in a different way. people around you may assume you're 'through the worst', and support can drop away just as the reality of a life without them settles in. if the second year feels harder than the first, you're not alone in that.
sensory reminders
smells can be especially powerful. the scent of their perfume, their washing powder, the kind of soap they used, can bring them back so strongly that it takes your breath away. this is partly because the parts of the brain that process smell are closely linked to areas involved in memory and emotion.
music works in a similar way. a song you shared, or one they used to sing, can bypass your defences and bring you straight back to a particular time and place. many people find themselves avoiding certain songs or certain shops for a while, and then, later, seeking them out as a way of feeling close.
you don't have to avoid reminders, and you don't have to seek them out. it's okay to change the radio station one day and turn it up the next. both are ways of looking after yourself.
carrying the hard days
for dates you know are coming, it can help to decide in advance how you'd like to spend them: alone or with people, marking the day or keeping it ordinary. there's no right way. some people visit a place, cook a meal, light a candle or write to the person. others go to work and keep busy.
for the unexpected moments, it can help to have one small thing ready: a breath, a person you can text, a few words you say to yourself. something that says: this is grief, and i can let it pass.
letting others know
one of the loneliest things about hard days is that other people often don't know they're happening. they may not remember the date, or realise that a particular season, place or song carries so much for you. you might spend the whole day struggling while everyone else carries on as normal.
if you feel able, it can help to tell a few people about the days you know will be difficult. you don't need to explain everything. a short message is enough: 'thursday is a year since mum died. i might be quiet.' people who care about you will usually be glad to know.
you can also let them know what would help. some people want company; others want space. some want the person to be mentioned; others would rather not talk about it. there's no right answer, and it may change from one year to the next.
for unexpected hard days, it's okay to reach out in the moment, too. a simple 'today is hard' to someone you trust can make a wave feel less lonely.
common questions
sources
- 1bornstein, p. e., & clayton, p. j. (1972). the anniversary reaction. diseases of the nervous system, 33(7), 470–472.
- 2stroebe, m., & schut, h. (1999). the dual process model of coping with bereavement: rationale and description. death studies, 23(3), 197–224.
- 3shear, m. k. (2015). complicated grief. new england journal of medicine, 372(2), 153–160.
if you're struggling to cope, you don't have to wait. findahelpline.com lists free, confidential support near you. this article is for understanding, not diagnosis or treatment.
